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The eHarmony Files – Installment 1

August 4, 2009

So, my dad says to me the other day…

“I’m going to send in your profile to eHarmony and see what we can come up with. I’m sick of all these cute little kids walking by and none of them are my grandchildren!”  Yeah, I know. He’s a cute dad.  My typical response to this is, “Well, Pops, if you hadn’t said I had to get married before having kids, I could have birthed you a whole litter by now.”  Usually shuts him up. 

Little does he know, I’ve been there, tried that, found nobody, wasted money.  Maybe you can learn from this small tutorial.  Please learn from my mistakes.  These are true tales of eHarmony. The names have been changed to protect the innocent.

First, there’s *Todd*. He’s a part-time minister/magician.  Gah!  There are probably some things you should save until the person really likes you for you. Keep the magician thing a secret for a while. Pull it out when it’s heroic, not creepy. Like, some lame-o kid’s birthday party when everything is going badly and the kid runs the risk of being nicknamed “Pee-Pee Pants” if this thing doesn’t turn around real quick-like. Then you pull out the magic.  And it better be good.  Utter the words, “Pick a card, any card,” we’re through.  Make a pigeon appear in a seltzer bottle or stay submerged in a tub of water for 3 days,  we’re still through but I’ll at least actually admit I knew you once.

Second, we have *Steve*. Steve went to college with me and is the reason I have the “Do not show my photos to matches until I say so” button checked on my profile. I saw his face on there, and within 5 to 8 seconds, I had closed our match and removed my pictures from view. He’s already a weirdo, and I certainly don’t want to be approached at next year’s Homecoming game with a smarmy, “Hey, eHarmony thinks we should be together. Why deny fate?”

Thirdly, it stands to reason that those living in my geographical region are more likely to be interesting to me.  However, not everyone in my geographical region has a propensity for proper spelling, grammar, or sentence structure.  Therefore, living in my geographical region does not guarantee interest in an actual relationship.  It’s simple algebra, really.  A+B=C.   But only when B can spell his occupation.  I’m sorry, *Jimmy*… I’ve never heard of “arcitec” as a profession.   Are you, perhaps, an “architect?”  See, Doofus, I work with architects and every one of them can spell the word.  They can also spell stuff like fabricator, falsifier and prevaricator.  (I’m sorry, Jimmy.  Those words mean “liar”.)   I think it’s more likely you work the night shift at the toll booth outside of Coon’s Bluff so you can afford to keep your tarantulas in the lifestyle to which they have grown accustom.

Fourthly, people close matches because there aren’t any pictures posted. Seriously? Maybe you wouldn’t feel that way if you were afraid of *Steve*, too. Or, if you were seeing people’s pictures from their senior year of high school. Or if you saw one too many pictures of *Leon*, the Historian, perched in front of his PC in an effort to show his intellectual side. I’m not sure there is anything wrong with reading about someone before seeing them. Maybe not you, Leon, because every girl deserves a fighting chance to twist away from your grasp, but at least give yourself a fighting chance.

Fifthly,  too many people are taking pictures they think I want to see. No, I am not interested in seeing 8 pictures, identical except for the differing angles, of you with your electric guitar. Changing your shirt for each picture isn’t fooling me. You’re clearly in your basement in front of a white wall taking pictures with your timer or webcam, and that’s just weird. Have you no other pictures available for your use??

Acceptable pictures include the following: 

Pictures of you with children (with clear indication of the child’s parentage…i.e. “This is me with my sister’s kids”)
Pictures of you with family (clearly indicate sisters versus ex-girlfriends to avoid confusion)
Pictures of you with dogs (not with cats, chinchillas, pythons or ferrets)
Pictures of you traveling the world
Pictures of you in a suit and tie

Non-acceptable pictures:
Pictures of you flexing with your shirt off (seriously, let’s leave a little mystery for the wedding night, shall we?)
Pictures of you posing with your model train collection
Pictures of you from high school more than 15 years ago
Pictures of you with ex-girlfriends, with said ex-girlfriends clearly cropped from the picture
Glamour Shots (ARRGGHHH!)
Olan Mills-style pictures of you with your pet

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