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The eHarmony Files – Installment 2

August 4, 2009

Options I wish existed on eHarmony:

“I have decided to close communication because…”

  • I cannot begin to attempt the proper pronunciation of your name.
  • You went to a picture studio and posed with your pet. On purpose.
  • Your profile picture is a Glamour Shot.
  • You’re too short.
  • You only answered 4 of the 20 questions in your profile. Clearly, you understand the eHarmony system.
  • I have already dated you.
  • You’re too short.
  • You could fit in my backpack.
  • You’re unemployed.
  • You are creepy. I actually have the heeby-jeebies.
  • You have a bowl haircut.
  • You typed “LOL” seventeen times.
  • I can smell your breath across cyberspace.
  • You’re too short.
  • You look like Martin Short.
  • You look less like a Martin and more like a Mary.
  • You listed your interests as “Sex, Women and God”.
  • You listed your interests as “Beer, guns and God.”
  • Your name is Crawdad and you live in Ponchatoula, LA.
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