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Coughing teeth…

August 20, 2009

I ran across an old email that had some of those “Kids Say the Darndest Things” anecdotes.  The innocence of children never ceases to amaze me.  Although the inherent naughtiness of children is equally confounding!  How can so much be packed inside such tiny bodies?

It reminded me a of a couple of hilarious stories from my “nieces and nephews”…  in quotations because they are not related by blood but I love ’em more than my luggage (name that movie).   My two best pals, R & D, are excellent at baby-makin’.  I mean really, really stellar.  It’s basically the spiritual gift of procreation.  I mean obviously it’s a gift from God to do that sort of thing, but they’ve really got it down.  D has 4 little wonders (all names start with “A”) and R has 3 (soon to be 4, once she decides to pop out the baby bean currently growing in her belly.)  My monkeys are some of the funniest kids around and I’ve got the stories to prove it.

A1, who is the oldest of D’s four kids, used to be lactose intolerant (that’s to say she is no longer).  She was about 3 at the time of this story and I was over babysitting for a big group of kids.  One of the boys there had a grilled cheese sandwich cut up into little bits and he was eating it out of a sandwich bag.   A1 stared at with wonder (having never seen such a thing due to cheese as the main ingredient) and asked me, “What that boy eating?”  I told her he was eating a grilled cheese sandwich.  Moments of silence and more staring.  Then she looked at me with those giant eyes and said, “Why him eatin’ a girl cheese?  Shouldn’t him be eatin’ a boy cheese?” 

That was cute and you know it. 

Some notables from that email:

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn’t remember any more. Melanie said, ‘If you don’t remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.’

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. ‘I love you so much that when you die I’m going to bury you outside my bedroom window.’

BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she’d have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: ‘How does it know it’s me?’

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. ‘Please don’t give me this juice again,’ she said, ‘It makes my teeth cough.’

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: ‘How much do I cost?’

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: ‘Why is he whispering in her mouth?’

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, ‘I don’t know what’ll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?’

Tomorrow I will be taking pics of D’s babies.  I will post those pictures and further my theory that not only are my monkeys the funniest, they are also the cutest.  See my pho-to shoot with R’s kids for half of the proof.  Any judge in America would agree with me, so quit arguing.

Here’s a teaser of A4 to wet your whistle… go ahead and make your little “aw” noises right out loud.  I won’t tell.

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